Occasionally, I get together with a group of former colleagues. During dinner recently, we reminisced about workplace training workshops. We drew a collective moan when someone recalled those “How to Get Along with Difficult People” workshops.
Numerous books and articles also cover the topic. Just Google terms similar to: “dealing or coping with difficult people” and you will find plenty.
One friend, an engineer, quipped, “Sometimes I wonder, ‘Why should I bend over backwards to get along with co-workers who are difficult?’”
Another chimed in, “Yes! How come difficult people don’t learn how to get along with the rest of us?” We all laughed because, of course, surely none of us are difficult people. We then enjoyed dessert and discussed what we do if we taught those courses.
As someone once said, “Sometimes to learn, we have to unlearn.”
Was my engineer friend on to something? Perhaps, it’s the difficult people who need to learn how to cope with the rest of us? Engineers, after all, are trained to think logically.
I then contacted an acquaintance who is in human resource (HR) management about this issue of difficult employees. She explained that generally HR strives to correct an individual’s specific performance problems while keeping relationships intact. Difficult people come in all forms. They can be managers, supervisors and peers.
I explained that some of us walked away from those handling-difficult-people workshops with the impression that essentially employees should:
- Figure out ways to not only understand, but also accommodate or ameliorate the burdensome behaviors of so-called difficult people.
- Spend time doing number one above at the expense of achieving business goals and our own career goals.
To help illustrate, here are some tongue-in-cheek, yet not all that far-fetched examples of how some people do not cope with difficult co-workers:
- Response: “Oh, Mindy, what’s wrong with you today? No matter, we’ll just walk around on eggshells until you feel like working again.”
After Mindy Moody swings erratically from one mood to another.
- Response: “Whoa, everyone better stay out of Otis’ way! He is under a lot of pressure, and we don’t want to do or say anything to make it worse.”
After Otis Outbursts rages and rants.
- Response: “Oh, Paddy, I can see that you have a hard time keeping up. What can we do to help since you can’t manage your time?”
After Paddy Procrastinator fails to meet his deadlines.
- Response: “Uh-oh, Buster was giving us all the evil eye and putting us down. I’m sure he is frustrated, because our numbers were down. Guess we deserve to be treated this way.”
After Buster Bully intimidates, embarrasses and humiliates everyone into submission.
The problem? The above responses might make things worse, because they can serve to reinforce difficult behaviors. This is why entire workplaces can fall into a rut of yielding to so-called difficult people simply by taking on their burdens.
By contrast, here are suggested alternative responses to the above fictionalized workplace characters. By placing the onus where it belongs, on the owner of the problem behavior, the workplace might even reach higher productivity levels and achieve lower employee turnover rates.
- To Mindy Moody: “I see that you are having a difficult time focusing on your work lately, but I also really need to get back to my work and concentrate. Perhaps it would help to discuss your concerns with the manager or someone in HR.”
- To Otis Outbursts: “All the yelling and screaming make me uncomfortable, and I am unable to concentrate. I am willing to wait and discuss this issue, after you take time to calm down.”
- To Paddy Procrastinator: “When project milestones and deadlines are missed, it is difficult for me to finish my work on time. When this happens, I don’t have the information I need in order to meet my responsibilities.”
- To Buster Bully: “I feel uncomfortable when others are publicly humiliated. Can we, instead, be civil with one another so we can productively discuss what improvements can be made?”
In a nutshell: Most everyone has personality traits that can make the workplace a challenging environment, especially when people must work together and cooperate. Hopefully people can be flexible enough to tolerate slight differences. Regardless, everyone should be treated with respect and dignity.
That said: The workplace is not a mental health rehabilitation center. Employees are hired and paid to do their jobs, and most are unqualified to serve as mental health rehabilitators anyway.
Should things get too difficult or overly confrontational between employees, HR can be very helpful, as can be employee assistance program (EAP) professionals.